Voice Without Speaking
by Suzume Tori
Summary: Eh, nothing echhi yet, but I might, so I always rate it @least PG13... Kawo-shinji fic, where Kaworu DOESN'T die. Alternate reality. Please read.
1. Wood Sprite

Voice Without Speaking  
  
Ha ha!!! It's me ^_^ This'll probably be short; I'm not good at sticking to things… (I'm not sure yet wheather I mean the chapter or the story…) HE he… as usual, don't own any of the characters, or I'd be one rich phsycho. As opposed to just a phycho. Don't sue, no $. L  
  
Shinji shuddered as an unexplainable tremor tore through him. Walking steadily on, he barely noticed that he had forgotten to drop off his chello in the beloved orchestra room. The bulky instrument wheeled steadily behind him on a small wheeled form, designed originally for suitcases, but proudly adapted as an 8th grade project to accomidate the chello perfectly.  
  
Clack. Clack. Clack. The contented sound of wheels meeting cracks in the sidewalk didn't awake the highshooler from his stupor.  
  
Soft strains of music drifted from somewhere in the distance. Shinji's subconcious registered them – Ode to Joy. His mind flickered, and finally broke free from his detatched state.   
(AN: Yes, I know that was a weird sentence. Gomen…)  
  
Shivering, Shinji marched gloomily on, now fully aware of his ridiculous burden. (It was so easy to forget his chello; it was as a part of him as his own skin.) Ode to Joy, to him, seemed to hold a hidden meaning that he couldn't grasp, as if in some other world, even such a radiant song was mearly the beginning of a painful tragedy. That song, in particualar, haunted him, and tugged at his soul.  
  
Fragrance of the seashore.  
  
Now where?…  
  
Phrases, lately, had a habit of slipping in and out of his mind on their own accord, senseless little snippets that had no right being there…  
  
Fragile like glass.  
  
//Hardly me//, Shinji thought amusedly. //Hardly me. I've aced the test today in History, got first in track, and I am first chello. Among other things, that is.//  
---Shinji's POV---  
  
The ground is soft, now a dirt path, and I know I must have strayed. Music is in the distance, music that calls to me. I'll admit, I enjoy music, but this is…  
  
Passion. Betrayal. Fierce joy, and the need to live. The will to live, so high strung and desparate as to cling to last minutes… then the sense of throwing it away for…  
  
To be or not to be. It makes no difference.  
  
Such a frightening thought, that death was similar to life. Hardly one of my own – it was as though the music spoke, putting such ideas into my head.  
  
I stumble towards the general direction of the music; it's silly, but I really want to meet the composer with a talent for such a voice. A voice able to speak without words. It's a violin, by the sound, but I was so sure it sang, somehow. It was a lure, dragging me towards it. And I didn't care, it was so entrancing.  
  
Forest is enclosing the pathway, now. My feet seem to know this trail, and I don't need to think about where to step. My body is so sure, and my mind is a tangle of confusion, only following bare instinct. Needles prickle beneath my tennis shoes, and dust rises to soil my school uniform. I don't really notice much about the passing scenery, except for one angry squirrel who seemed to believe I was whatever had stolen the nut that was so impossible to find. And the other squirrel, later on, who seemed quite pleased with himself. The devious rodent had a nut that I could guess easily where it came from.  
  
Slowly, the humble road emptied into a well-trodden clearing. The music was eerily close now, and I looked around for the souce. I was greeted with a majestic sky, lined with a ragged border of evergreens, and for a moment, I feared that there was nothing, that I was hearing things, music with no origin, and that I had finally cracked…  
  
When I came face to face with two ruby eyes staring intently from a pale, albino face.  
  
  



	2. Sacred Namer

Chap. 2….  
  
Eh, short break, another AN….  
  
First off… To Mr. Axelord, though you are entitled to your own opinion, please don't say that gay people should go to hell. I think you have the wrong story. All that's happened so far is someone turned around to face an albino, and I never really considered that… um, gay interaction worthy of going to hell, y'know…. @_@; And a lot of people close to me ARE gay, so please don't say that sorta thing. I'm kinda sensative 'bout that, also, because, while no one's done anything yet, I DID say that my fics were kawo-shinji. That's all.  
  
Oh, and I am constantly getting writer's block. On any story I write, feel free to tell me what you think should happen. I won't promise it'll happen (For example, I'm not killing Kaworu here at the moment)… I mean, if you do ever read this, I'd really appreciate constructive critisism, like 'too many adjectives'. Or, 'get to the point, stop describing things'. Stuff like that. Or 'more dialouge'. Or 'You should go jump in a lake…   
  
Wait a minute.  
But you get the idea. ^_~  
  
* * *  
  
My POV ^_^  
  
Kaworu whirled, and at the same moment, a slender boy before him turned, and in that one moment, they both discovered the face of their companion in the small patch of treeless space in the woods.  
  
"Oh, gomen!.." Shinji backed away. Quickly, his one foot digging shyly through the dirt seemed to become so facinating that he could not face the other boy.  
  
"I didn't mean to disturb you!" the panicked boy began again, twiddling his thumbs at an amazing rate.  
  
"No, that's quite alright. Have you a problem?" The second boy, forgiving and far more inquisitive than the first, boldly faced the other.  
  
"N…no, I don't. You… you were the one playing, right?" Shinji's foot came to a slow stop, and his head began to rise, finally ready to re-face his startling companion.  
  
"Yes, that is correct. I had no idea it would disturb you." Kaworu smiled widely, as he often did, and clapped the poor trembling Shinji on the shoulder heartily.  
  
Shinji flinched away from Kaworu, now facing him fully.  
  
"Who are you?" He finally managed.  
  
"I'm Kaworu. You?" Kaworu grinned nanchalantly and let his hips slide to an angle, giving him a careless look.  
  
"Shinji, Kaworu-san." Carefully, Shinji enunciated each word in his most polite tone.  
  
"Nice. Very nice. Acupuncture, huh? I love how your name means such an interesting thing. Or… Japan's original kanji? Somehow, I don't think either suits you very well, little one. Call me Kaworu-chan, hon, it's not like I'm your teacher." Kaworu extended, very slowly as if to a frightened animal, his pale hand.  
  
"H..hai, Kaworu-chan. Then, I'm afraid, you must call me Shinji-chan. Is that all right?" Wavering slightly, Shinji accepted the hand.  
(AN: *sarcasm* yes, I know what an EXTENSIVE Japanese vocab I have. *Serious now* I'll try not to kill the usual 'hai, iie, arigatou, gomen' phrase list, sorry.)  
  
"No problem, Shin-chan. So, where were we before that minor setback? Oh, yes. You were afraid to have disturbed my playing. No, in fact, you hadn't; I play better with an audience anyway. Would you care to play such a part, my timid rabbit?"  
  
Shinji blushed, color invited by such an endearment from a stranger – first 'hon', now Shin-chan and rabbit?   



	3. That Which is Known

Author's note: As of late, I have had several emails correcting my usage of "chan". So, by way of explanation, I have scraped up a list of the honorific terms/suffixes added to names by the Japanese. If you have any complaints about my use, please, please refer to this list before mailing me. Sorry that this takes up so much space, but there wasn't a website that I could find that could compile all of this together, so I couldn't just post a link.  
  
- Honorifics The Japanese use several honorific suffixes. Which one is used in a given situation depends on the relationship between the conversing parties, and the formality of the occasion. They most commonly used honorifics are:  
  
(1) Chan, i.e. Nariko-chan. A very informal and affectionate term, most often used between close friends and family members. This honorific is mostly used to address girls - boys typically get the -kun suffix. A boy might be called -chan in a playfully mocking way by his friends, or by a girl who thinks he's kawaii.  
This honorific can be linguistically shorthanded to mean "little," i.e. Little Nariko.  
  
(2) Kun, i.e. Shen-kun. Functionally the male equivalent of -chan. It's a slightly more formal, and doesn't seem to ever be used to refer to girls.  
  
(3) San, i.e. Nariko-san or Shen-san. The formal unisex method of address, -san is the nominal honorific for daily conversational use. It can be linguistically shorthanded to mean Mister, Missus, or Miss.  
  
(4) Sama, i.e. Hara-sama. A very formal and respectful unisex honorific. Sama would be used if talking to the boss or other social superior. God is called Kami-sama, or "Great Spirit."  
  
(5) Sensei, i.e. Imahori-sensei. Already widely known in the west, this honorific is used specifically to address a teacher. This can be literal, as a grade school math teacher, or figurative, as in an artist one admires.  
  
(explanations care of: )  
  
--More info--  
  
sama - Used for lords, gods, and the exalted in general. Naturally, it shows a great deal of respect, although you certainly don't want to use it to your bosses, for example, as it's too honorary for that. You may often see this used by creepy fangirlz on their favorite visual-kei J-rockstars.  
  
dono - An archaic term that is not used very much in modern times. It is formal and respectful, but typically used on officials (i.e. Kogorou speaking to the police inspector Megure). Read or watch something set centuries ago and this will pop up quite a bit. Much more of a "male" thing than just san.  
  
senpai - A term for superiors within one's own "class", if you will, but it exudes a sense of camaraderie as well. You will probably see this used on upperclassmen in school the majority of the time, but you can also see it in workplace used on upon people in the same position with more seniority. Calling someone your senpai generally shows that you acknowledge their seniority and look up to them as well, and in a way seems more informal than san. Often romanized as "sempai".  
  
(explanation care of )  
  
--last tidbit of info-  
  
-rin - An honorific ending for names that is mostly indicates cuteness  
  
(explanation care of )  
  
WHEW!  
  
If that wasn't a LONNGGG author's note, I don't know what is. Bleh. No more of this. I'm betting that you aren't actually here to read my ranting about Japanese culture and grammar. Onto the story!   
  
  
  
It took Shinji a moment to realize that Kaworu was simply inviting him to listen to him play - Kaworu spoke so oddly.  
  
".Aa." Nodding his assent, Shinji sat down promptly in the grass, leaning his cello against one of the trees that bordered the clearing. Kaworu, taking his cue, picked up the violin that he had set aside, and began to play.  
*O friends, not these notes!  
  
Rather let us take up something more pleasant, and more joyful.  
  
It was always a wonder to Shinji that a song could exist - one written for joy, but written, it seemed to him, out of sorrow. The song in itself was a contradiction. There seemed no lasting happiness in it, yet it was a tribute to joy.  
-A song is good.- Again, a thought not quite his own entered Shinji, and this time, he noticed something - the thought was in words. Normally, when thinking, Shinji simply. thought. He didn't use words. He used feelings and notions and ideas - why bother translating them into speech when no one is there to hear what's in your head.? Unless he was planning out a presentation or a speech, there was no reason to think in words.  
  
And there was also no reason for the words to be in Kaworu's voice.  
  
That in itself was disturbing - the voice in which the words was spoken was Kaworu's. Shinji was certain of it. the calm, patient voice he had heard moments before wasn't something easily confused with other sounds. This realization led to yet another: he had known before meeting him the manner in which Kaworu would speak.  
  
There was a sudden silence as the song finished, and Kaworu set down his violin, peering almost anxiously at his unnervingly quiet companion.  
  
"Shinji?" No Shin-chan, or bunny, or anything of the sort - Kaworu simply said his name. "Shinji? Shinji."  
  
By the third time Kaworu had repeated his name, Shinji had withdrawn from his thoughts, returning to his usual, outwardly-focused self.  
  
"Nani~o?" If he heard the faintly whining, nervous edge to Shinji's response, Kaworu didn't show it.  
  
"Nothing. I was just wondering - where were you going with your instrument before you stopped to listen?" Kaworu spoke slowly and softly, with the same thoughtful nature as he always had.  
  
//As he always had? What do I know about what he has 'always' done?!// Shinji felt a faint flicker of panic. Voices. Voices he shouldn't have heard, belonging to people he shouldn't have already have known.  
  
".Just home." Shinji replied vaguely, "But it's okay. No one's there."  
  
Kaworu tilted his head to one side, as if considering asking Shinji about it, but didn't press the matter.  
  
"Sou, ka? Then. would you like to come to my apartment?" Kaworu offered, smiling.  
  
Apartment? Kaworu had only known him for moments, and already he was offering to take Shinji to his apartment? Somehow, in lieu of recent events, Shinji wasn't as concerned about this as he should have been. Something about the white-haired teen was compelling - he made Shinji want to follow him. To his apartment, to anywhere - to wherever Kaworu was willing to take him.  
  
//.I need to get out more.// Shinji decided.  
  
*Endnotes: Full lyrics/analysis of "Ode to Joy" can be found at :  
  
and  
  
randomness: yes, I do realize that I have shinji's thoughts in word format. I'm not sure how else to write them. He doesn't hear them as words in his head, however; it's simply impulses, or things like that (save when he's hearing Kaworu talking in his head. but hey, that's HIS issue, not mine : p) 


End file.
